FC St. Pauli

The final home game of the season is upon us. To mark the occasion, we've come up with something special for the last home match preview. For those of you who don't get to read our match programme VIVA on Sunday, we've taken the lead story from there and turned it into the match preview. We hope you're looking smart.

Wednesday, on the roof of the Heiligengeistfeld bunker: the only place where your hair blows properly in the wind in the aftermovie. The only place where editorial meetings find an appropriately emotional setting. And this one is no exception. The last issue of the season offers an opportunity to make another fashion statement, us being the "Vogue among match programmes".

Editor-in-chief Lennart has left no expense spared. Dressed for success in ugly sneakers the size of moving boxes from a famous Italian fashion brand, he spins cut-off denim jacket couturier Jan on his muscular index finger high above the Heiligengeistfeld in impeccable planking style. An acrobatic routine they have down to a tee, it being the only thing that gives the graphic the necessary perspective. And graphic, that's the look, that’s where it's at.

"Football is temporary, class is permanent" – Lennart sets the right tone with the first six words of his branding speech. The editorial team listens attentively, media godfather Christoph nods in agreement, evoking an inappropriate grin from Gerhard, the editorial board clown, with a hint of a raised eyebrow.

History is being written here, no question about it, a season dressed up in words you couldn't normally squeeze into an XXXL skull and crossbones shirt. The 2018/19 season in brown and white, a scurrilous ensemble of eclectic nonconformity. First place, eleventh place, up to eight goals in a game, two 4-0 defeats and a 4-3 back-from-the-dead win as the highlight – even the god of football peers down enviously at "Germany’s Next Top Model" to finally see something he understands again.

And as the meaningless end-of-season award was already won against Regensburg, Lennart makes full use of his fashion card: "As John Galliano once said, "style is wearing heels to play football! It's never easy, but we're easily had. So give your life meaning. The megastore is open!"

Appropriately fired up, and murmuring reverently, the editorial haystack wanders off, secure in the knowledge that they have found the needle of meaning in themselves. "Fighting absurdity with absurdity". If that's the saying for this matchday, then the trendsetters gathered here are more than up to the challenge. And that's important.

For there is one thing left to be settled. Whoever wins today, gets more TV money. And if there's one thing fashion freaks know, it's that your budget is key for the success of the shopping trip. Something the opposition know as well.

"Stars out of reach for VfL Bochum," ran a melancholic headline in the WAZ beneath an iconic head shot of Bochum's handsome chief designer, Robin Dutt. And yes, the colleagues at Westline warn, there's also the "St. Pauli factor". "Bochum's next opponents, of all teams, threaten to finish ahead of them in the TV ranking list. If the gap between the two teams in the table is five places – as it is at the moment– St. Pauli would overtake Bochum, if four they would draw level, but if three or less Bochum would stay ahead. Some 700,000 euros are at stake, so a win is an absolute must on Sunday."

All this means that we have to go flat out once again before we go shopping on Sunday. Play football, shout our heads off, all that kind of stuff. Aux armes! And as for you, dear VfL Bochum, get yourselves ready! But make sure you look tidy. Because as the great Karl Lagerfeld understood, "sweatpants are a sign of defeat, anyone who goes out wearing them has lost control of their life."

Photos: Witters